írásjelek tetszés szerint

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kellek

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Becherovka

We've been very "grrrr-uuuhhhh-aaaahh-ddduuuuuuh" today. Both of us. We just simply couldn't find our way to express, to capture, to connect, to be in harmony with ourselves. Struggling. Frustrated. Keen on getting over this fuss. Went to mass, and the situation seemed under control for a little while.
Then. While drinking our tea we stated:
- We should get drunk. Just a little. Would help.
- Let's get a bottle.
- Fine.
On the bus, on our way home I lost the track again. Couldn't focus. Could not tell anything. At least anything normal or different. (God gracious, how pathetic I am.)
Changed buses, get off at the supermarket. Stated I don't really have money now. Problem solved and now I have debt.
Then. We got home and had a sandwich. (With ham and cheese. I don't even remember the time I last had ham on my sandwich.) Finally, and the first time ever since we have them, took the tiny glasses and poured ourselves a drink.
- Cheers! To us.
We Drank.
Then. Laughed and made coffee.
Then. I don't even know how, even when I saw it with my own two eyes, there was coffee and tonic all over the kitchen.
We laughed.
- At least we had the adventure of it. This is how home alcoholism begins.
We laughed while cleaning up the mess.
But still felt pathetic.

Hope regained

I figured out it is really hard to hope sometimes. Even when I think that's something essential to my Christian being. I do believe in God who works in mysterious ways. Who can't be seen as a human only in his wonderful works. I do believe faith and prayer are one of the most powerful arms we have. And I've been praying for a long long time. Praying for something I lost my hope in. How could have that happened I don't know. And of course it didn't work. My prayers seemed unheard, my mood went down the slope, my prayer life was empty. Although I set down each morning and each night my words were like a "tinkling cymbal". Than a wonderful soul, a friend of my cried out indignantly: "You don't even believe in it!"

God works in mysterious ways. And through this friend He gave me hope. To be not afraid of believing.

On the other hand, I can pray and plead as much as I can, if I'm asking for something that is not beneficial at all, I won't get it. If it is something not intended to me, and God knows best what is intended and what is needed in my life, I won't get it.

So, the only way out from this is to believe in God; in the mercyful, loving God who cares about all his creations, but most of all about men. He knows best. Believe, my soul, for God is your only hope.